It’s 6:30 PM Missouri time January 30th. I've been traveling for about 30 hours. The plane has just passed Guinea, Sierra Leone and Liberia. Three countries that have been devastated by the Ebola Epidemic. As my flight continues to head south and cross the Equator we get closer to S. Africa and my final destination of Madagascar. The ship has retreated there after focusing in West Africa for several years.
I have been silent on my blog over the last month, refusing to talk about the main thing that I continue to think about. The subject, why I am on a flight returning to work with Mercy Ships? Very few people have come out and asked me. It makes me wonder if people knew all along that I would be returning so fast or if they were being respectful of my silence. To be honest the why has been hard to pinpoint. Many many things have been rolling through my mind the last several months as I considered returning.
I made a decision. Almost one year ago I made a decision to leave the ship. It would be three months before I physically left the ship, but the decision was made in late February. There were two choices to pick from. To simplify it; stay on the ship or go home. There’s much more that went into the decision though and I will try to show you part of the battle that was going on in my head.
1.) Stay; stay on the ship, my home of two and a half years. The place that I met numerous people that had become my friends and more specifically my ship family. People from the Netherlands, Liberia, Tennessee, Australia, Oregon, Georgia, the U.K., Sierra Leone, California. To say that and just read it as words is simple, but it’s much more complex than that. They might not be my blood family. A mother that birthed me, a father that raised me, a brother that I argued with, or grandparents that I loved visiting. Instead they were the ones I went to when I was having a bad day, those that I looked up to and wished to become more like. A counselor that encouraged me to become the man that God designed me to become. People that taught me so much about loving other people that it will never be able to be put into words. A group of people that I celebrated a new year with by renting out a house and swimming in the ocean even though it was 11:30 PM and pitch black.
But with this community also came uncertainty. I hate uncertainty. I’m a planner, an organizer a man that likes to control his future. In December 2013 I made a decision that if I did stay on the ship I would move into a different position. I loved working in the Ship Shop. I didn’t know what the new position would be, but I knew that God was leading me to be stretched into something else after serving as Retail Manager for a year and half.
2.) Go home; a home that I’ve left and returned to over 5 times. The family that raised me, the church that taught me about God and who He is, the friends that I had so much fun with growing up, the town that I know like the back of my hand. More than just home though. America, a place that I could go and get a job, make money, and support myself. I had already spent two and a half years relying on God for finances by supporters, it was time that I went out and made it out on my own. That lesson had been learned now I was ready for the next lesson, independence.
I can see the decision I made now. I chose to leave community and purpose for independence and money. It was time for me to go out and make a name for myself. Start a career that had been stalled, get the 401k to where it was supposed to be and get those roots established to start a family somewhere, who knows where.
I left Mercy Ships and the day I got in a Land Rover and went to the airport to leave a hole the shape of the Africa Mercy was left in my heart. It hurt, I cried as I said goodbye to all of my friends. That place that I learned about relying on God, loving others and being obedient to what He asks of me.
Things went on with my life.
The job I found in New Mexico worked out. All my belongings were packed into my car and I went to set those roots, be independent and make a name for myself. The summer was good, there were 1,500+ people on campus everyday and we were busy all day and all night. Everything was good. Then the summer was over. The 1,500 turned into 150 on the weekends and life calmed down. There was a lot of time. I was out in the mountains and I had time to think. Too much time to think. The quieter it got on campus the more God began to ask me if I was being obedient to His plan. I hadn’t. I started reading the book Surprised by Grace: God's Relentless Pursuit of Rebels about Jonah, his decisions and God’s grace in our lives. It was over I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to return to His call on my life. Return to Mercy Ships and see what He had in store for me. I would have been on a plane the next day, but it wasn’t that easy. I was over, my plans had to become His plans. His plans had to become me waiting on him to open the door. My control had to be placed in to his hands and become trust. I started to see that there’s a difference between faith and trust.
Never in my life have I had to trust God more than I am now. I feel this statement everyday as my mind battles for a plan. I don't know. I don't know how long I'm supposed to be serving with Mercy Ships again. I don't know when any income is going to come in next. I have no clue where I'll be in a year or 5 or 10. I don't know.
I just know I can't do this on my own. I ask that you continue to pray for me. That daily I would seek the Lord and what He has planned for me.
